I started to worry for bombs already started their explosion by that time, so I asked him to update me through txt message, which he did, repeatedly.

We talked on skype today, and my laptop crashed, and he gave me direction of what to do through my blackberry but i couldn’t understand what he said. So I phoned him on skype using another laptop. I managed to save my docs and we talked some more. Some two hours more. We asked each other on our plan for saturday night. And promised to go online again on the evening.

Which we did, so much fun. Reminds me a lot of those old times. Found it suddenly hard for me to remember what I’ve been planing for these last 8 months: one of them is to get over him. Found it suddenly that I actually miss him, and to get over him ever is impossible.

Yes, whatever I wrote about him in this blog, how I’m over him etc.

Yeah right.

Already he’s back in my life.

That easy.

So yeah. I know that C, the only guy I’m with that makes him the only guy I love, is alright. But just now I felt a stung in my chest and I just know, something’s not right.  This annoys me so much. I should be working on a deadline and instead, I’m worrying about A. Yes I remember how he broke my heart by being so “civilized”. Yes I remember how much he had “changed”. Yes I remember how cruel he was..which, I must say, wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for me leaving him.

But still, this so called “connection” really is bothering me.

You should be ok. You should be ok. You should be ok. Please.

You SHOULD be ok.

Please.

I’d be pissed because he act weird, because he didn’t phone me, because he comment on my stories with judgmental tone, because he couldn’t pretend that me and him weren’t on a fight in front of my dad. And he, this guy, my God he could be very very seriously very dramatic. And although it was enjoyable at first, after a while it became exhausting. The thing is I’m dramatic as well, and to make it balance I’m supposed to be with someone still and sure. Is he not it?

Dude, he’s even more drama than I am: Don’t get me start on how ‘still and sure’ he is.

Besides, things have been going better and better between me and C. So good that I decided to end things up with A.Was hoping we could talk calmly in a civilized way. And I have reasons to had trust him that much: his words. I know, stupid me.

So the civilized talk plan “changed a bit”: We yelled at each other.

yay.

His lines: “This ungrateful woman.”

“I’m not the one who cheated on my boyfriend.”

That was when I started to cry. He managed to scratch me at the right place.

Absolute pain.

Closing act: Him. Throwing all stuff from me, “I don’t want them, bye.”

Was shaken walking to my car, could barely believe that I basically  just had a re-run from a scene from the past. When he threw away a birthday present I bought him 4 years ago.

Worse pain.

So much about “I just wanna be there for you to catch you whenever you fall.”

Cruel.

A progress on the guy, indeed.

Would be useless to tell you the what happened without some important backgrounds: Long story short I fell in love to this guy like I never before, for the first time in my life I became a monogamist. And believe me you: if only you knew me before, you would agree that it is a big deal.

For a while we were in a fairy tale.

We failed, obviously. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been switched back into becoming an adventurer like now. The failure broke my heart, big time. I mean, we’re talking about some suicide attempts here. There were times when I was sure that I’m gonna have to live with the heartache for the rest of my life. To tell you the truth, until yesterday I still thought that way.

But you know what, time flies, really. And time heals what logic couldn’t. Really. Because last week we talk finally, through a messenger. It was fun.

Reminds me of how good we were with each other. It also shows me how I don’t love him anymore.

I just don’t.

Yay, I guess.

emails,

calls.

But it was certainly not because I stop loving you.

Because I was depressed and needed you more than ever but you didn’t realize it. Because for you to come back and forth from other country wasn’t precisely what I want. I would’ve trade those expensive tickets you bought with some more nice e-mails from you, like the ones you always sent me the first time we’re together. Because I tried to tell you over and over again what I need but you never listen. You’re always busy with big plans, to buy me expensive gifts, to visit me every time we fell into a fight…but you never really see how easy my love is: I only wished I could talk to you.

So that’s that.

It wasn’t because I stop loving you: I left because I never missed anyone that much before, but I couldn’t find you in our relationship. Not even a glimpse of you.

I’m not going to ask You questions, or whine.  I just had a calm and enjoyable day writing from the morning to evening, wonderful chat with Dad and Miles Davis all the way. I’m grateful. Warm and full of love conversation with C as I woke up, and awkward small talk with A that I don’t really mind of. I’m grateful.

And I still think of him. He who I had left my hopes with, he who supposedly is not as far as he used to physically, yet feels so distant. He who I’m not sure if I’m still in love with, but he’s surely still somewhere inside me without plan to disappear anytime soon.  Turned out the feeling I have for him is deep, indeed. I’m grateful.

He’s healthy, and he looks happy. I’m grateful.

Thank You.

Only today I realized how overrated the line is. I mean re-read that line one more time, and put logic on it: What’s so special about some one who still think of us? I mean, we fell in love, we were together, of course once in a while we would think about each other because like it or not, our history is a part of our present life.

I still think of you means I still think of you, period.

Doesn’t mean “I never love anyone more than I love you.”, “I wanna get together with you.”, or-and please remember this- it certainly doesn’t mean “I wanna marry you.”

I know us women tend to dramatize everything, but that is also why we suffer a lot. So, start to accept a line just as it is and stop dramatizing. Just stop for your own good.

Except when I think about it with C. What does that tells you? My best friend E said he’d like to wait couple of weeks before making any comment on my big love for C, “Because who knows your feelings for him might calm down.”

But only with C marriage makes a possible, rather than an absurd, picture.

Blah, I miss him.

Also, the guy who messed up my sleep couple of weeks ago is now here in the same city with me. I didn’t bother, I was too occupied by C.

I didn’t expect to fall in love all over again to C, but that’s what happening. The first two days was a bit awkward, but then just like how it started couple of months ago: We’re us again-that easy. if possible, I love him even more, and somehow I can see our future again.

Of course out of ‘rational’ thoughts and ‘timing’ we both agreed to call it off. But instead of taking distance, we ended up getting closer than ever. C is good with words, and he knows how to calm me down every time my nightmares come. We had loads of fun traveling, he kept saying “see how good we are together, we shouldn’t be apart.”

And yes, I did see how good we are together. But to remember the situation, again, who wouldn’t? We’re on holiday, all we’re doing is talk, eat, cuddle and several of other affection acts…How could not life be so dreamy? I doubt that we could still be that great together once reality hits.

At some point he offered to cover all of my expenses so that I can just do what I really love to do, no need to worry about money. Which so tempting but…I said no to. Finally he ask me to marry him.

And oh dear God how I really want to say yes.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have this huge pride, but turned out I did so, guess what i said?

“Not now, darlin’.”

Will I regret it if one day I realized that there would never be anyone as fine as him comes into my life? Maybe. But like the old saying: If we’re meant to be, we will be.

Saying goodbye to him at the airport wasn’t easy. I cried hard and so did he, the part I was so scared about for him to come here is saying goodbye.

I promised him to go back to England one day, and I meant it. Promise God this will be the last time I let distance separate us.

Never again.

I mean I swear some people would kick my ass if they know that I feel super insecure about myself. Why, because according to them I don’t have any reason to feel insecure AT ALL.

But the fact is I do. I feel insecure and useless and the fact that I just got a low pass feedback from my dissertation marker had just put me on to the lowest point. Just like how I started the master program when my professor criticize my argument,  harshly.

…and don’t get me start on the job search, no news whatsoever until today.